The New Cola Wars

So yesterday I tried a Pepsi Next. Not bad at all. If you haven’t tried it, imagine a clean and crisp Pepsi that isn’t as heavy on the tongue. I am a coke person and really don’t care much for Pepsi but this was pretty good. I have had 3 of them now.

The gimmick of this new creation from the soda gods is “Real Cola Taste, 60% less sugar.” But it got me to thinking, how do you keep the taste but ditch the sugar? This is made especially complex by the fact that Pepsi hasn’t had REAL sugar in it since the 1980’s. So when they say 60% less sugar aren’t they being a bit disingenuous? OH WAIT they are probably talking about our good old friend High Fructose Corn Syrup! Yes that’s right, High Fructose Corn Syrup, that sneaky bastard that has been blamed for everything from childhood obesity to the kidnapping of the Lindbergh baby. And why do big soda manufacturers like Coke and Pepsi use HFCS instead of sugar, which is slightly healthier and has been preferred in taste tests?

If you guessed “Because they are greedy bastards and HFCS costs less” then give yourself a big pat on the back. HFCS costs between a half and a third of what real sugar does, mainly because of the HUGE subsidies the government doles out to US corn farmers, so since its taken out of your taxes, it evens out. 

Want to taste what Coca Cola would taste like with real, natural, not grown on a cornstalk sugar? Go down the “International” aisle in your supermarket. Look in the Mexican section beside the pinto beans and taco seasonings and you’ll see large glass bottles of Coke. The only difference between that and American Coke is it is made with SUGAR. And trust me, it tastes better. Pepsi, acting as if it is doing us a favor, has introduced Pepsi Throwback, which is made with real sugar, but rumor has it that Pepsi Throwback will be disappearing from shelves in June, leaving us with good old cheap High Fructose Corn Syrup.

ANYWAY, back to Pepsi Next. If you are thinking it is healthier for you than regular Pepsi, think again. Sure it has 150 fewer calories (per 20oz bottle) than regular Pepsi but here’s the kicker: Pepsi is only sweetened with High Fructose Corn Syrup. Pepsi Next is sweetened with High Fructose Corn Syrup (yup, there it is again), Aspertame, Sucralose, and Acesulfame Potassium. It has more chemicals in it than a South Bronx prostitute at a methadone clinic.

These days, more people are concerned about their waistlines and what they put into their body, so why buy a soda with more chemicals in it than gasoline? Because its super cheap and it tastes good. I just wish there was a little more truth in advertising.

If I was running a soda company (preferably Coca-Cola, I like it better) I would at least tell the people what they are getting. Here would be some of my brands and slogans:

Paul Cola: Sure its mostly corn syrup but at least its tasty!

Diet Paul: Lose weight while giving yourself cancer

Paul MAX: Taste the artificial goodness

Paul Next: water is the only ingredient not created in a test tube

Paul Throwback: Real ingredients, real taste, really limited time product because its expensive to make and we know once we pull it from the shelves, you’ll buy our fake inferior crap.

That’s pretty much the end of my rant. And to not seem like a hypocrite, I am going to level with you. I think Pepsi Next is pretty tasty. It has a cleaner flavor than Pepsi or Coke and the fact that it is something new is sort of fun. I usually drink Coke Zero or Mountain Dew and don’t go out of my way to find a healthier alternative. If I was at the gas station and they had a nice tasting soda that was made with natural ingredients (some local brands do, and I like them) I would buy them first. If Coke or Pepsi comes out with something more natural, I would buy it instead of the fake stuff. But it is what it is and as long as farmers and scientists keep working hand in hand, we will be left with inferior products.