The Quest: In Seach of Vintage Games

A lot of people who have fond memories of their Atari or NES would like to play them again but they just don’t know where they can find something that hasn’t been made for 30 years. Here are a few hints and tips to help you track down those oh-so-hard-to-find items.

My first tip is stay away from chain stores. Wal Mart, Target, K Mart and the like are not really even good places to buy new games. They are just big box stores. Their associates don’t have the knowledge you will find at an actual video games store. Add this to the fact that they don’t carry old games at all.

Big chain video game stores, like Game Stop are a good start, but they are geared more toward the newer game systems. You are not likely to find anything older than mid to late 1990’s games there and they are not going to have the more obscure titles that you may be searching for.

Locally owned stores are quite a bit better, but are hit and miss depending on what you are looking for. I live in Buffalo, NY and we have a great locally owned small chain called Oogie Games. They carry everything from Atari to Xbox. Their older systems and older games are hit or miss simply because they are dependant on people trading them in. A good advantage to locally owned stores is they are more likely to offer at least a short term warranty with the old games and systems they sell. I believe Oogie offers 30 days.

Thrift stores and flea markets deserve a category all their own. Thrift stores are not as reliable as flea markets as they rely on donations and most people don’t donate their video games. Flea markets are a lot better. If you find a large flea market, they may have several stands that sell vintage video games exclusively, and other stands that have the occasional system or box of old games. Another advantage is the ability to haggle and bundle items. You can often talk a flea market stand owner into a 3 for the price of 2 deal or get them to knock a couple dollars off the price of a game you have been searching for.

A category I am almost hesitant to mention is Garage Sales. That is because they are so hit or miss that they are almost not worth checking out. But if you enjoy going garage selling or enjoy checking out estate sells, then by all means try it. If you do find a system or some old games you may be able to get them for next to nothing if the person doesn’t know what they have or they simply want them out of their closet.

Before I close out this post, I feel like I have to discuss online sellers. The advantage to buying systems, and especially games, online is you can almost always find exactly what you are looking for. The biggest downside to buying online is shipping. If you find that special Atari title you have been searching for you may be able to buy it for $2 but you will end up spending another $5 in shipping. A great way to buy online is to find someone who is selling several games as one lot. You will end up paying less per game and may discover a few you never knew existed.

My final piece of advice is ask around. Ask your friends, and let them know you are interested in vintage games. I have come across situations where a friend gave me a game system he was going to just throw out during spring cleaning. They might know of other people who have old games or systems they don’t want, or know of a cool little shop they passed by a few months back. So get creative, communicate, ask questions, have fun and happy gaming!

Game Review: Friday the Thirteenth for NES

Vintage Game Spot Review Rating: 7 out of 100

Today I am reviewing what Game Informer once called “One of the worst horror games of all time” and Nintendo Power rated as the 6^th worse game ever made, stating "After playing a few minutes of this aardvark, you wanted Jason to slaughter all the counselors and then you. Anything so it would just end." 

In the game you run around Crystal Lake lighting fireplaces at various cabins and doing battle against zombies for some reason, (because I really remember Jason having a bunch of zombie sidekicks?) and the occasional wolf and crow that attack at random. (Yet another thing I never remember happening in the movie?)

The game is fairly easy to pick up on but near impossible to play for any length of time due to the extremely poor quality and general unplayability of the game. Thank god it only cost me a dollar.

Paul’s Review: 10 out of 100

Honestly, I hated the game. The 10 out of 100 is being generous. I bought it because I really enjoyed the movies as a kid and thought the game would provide some much needed nostalgia. Sadly this wasn’t the case. None of the characters, except for the ONE appearance of Jason, were in the movie and the only kills made by Jason were children, which you never see but are listed as children lost on your screen. When he kills all the children the game is over.

The biggest disappointment was the fact that for a horror game, it was in no way scary. The only scary part about the game is how horrible it is. The graphics were poor, (Jason's coloring was weird.. sort of neon. looked horrible) the characters didn’t make sense, the enemies were no challenge at all, being killed with 1 to 2 hits. That was probably the worst part because after playing for 15 minutes or so, you are almost wishing your character would die so the terrible experience would be over.

I honestly wouldn’t recommend this game to ANYONE. If you see it in a bargain bin at your local video game store, put it back and pick something else.

This will go on The Vintage Game Spot's "Worst Games Ever" list.

Aaron’s Review: 50 out of 100

It is complicated to figure out. not sure I’m going to play it again. The movies are kick ass but the game falls very short. You are constantly being attacked by these zombie-like things, birds and wolves. It’s easy to figure out the map and where the notes send you but its almost imposable to kill Jason when you run across him. And your suppose to save some children that were captured, there’s no way to directly save them without finishing the mission and I’m not even sure what the mission is. But some of the notes keep telling you “go to a cabin by the lake” or “go to the cave” which is where the children are being kept. The graphics are pretty crappy and since the N.E.S. controller is so old you push right and if you don’t push it perfect than it will send you up to the lake or to the woods or even the cave.

Death of the Video Game Cartridge

What do the Atari, NES, SNES, N64, Game Boy, Sega Genesis and countless other systems have in common? Yes they are video games, duh, that’s not what I was looking for. They are all cartridge-based systems.

For more than two decades video game cartridges of various shapes, sizes and colors dominated the gaming market until finally being phased out in favor of Optical Media beginning in 1994 with the Playstation and Sega Saturn. The last holdout was Nintendo, who released the cartridge based Nintendo 64 in 1996. It had a successful run until being discontinued in 2002.

If you ask most computer nerds why CDs and DVDs took over the market they will tell you its because cartridges are a horribly inefficient method of data storage. If you ask corporate big wigs why Optical media took over, they will tell you it was because they are much cheaper to manufacture than the cumbersome cartridges.

Of course if you caught that corporate big wig off record he would also tell you that optical media is much more fragile and they know that if a disc gets damaged the gamer will try to repair it, fail, then go out and buy another copy of he game. Ever wonder why the Xbox’s tendency to burn a ring into your disc has never been corrected? You can throw a NES cartridge out the window into a pool of water and it will probably still work.

The downside of discs being noted, they do hold a lot more data and have done a lot or the gaming industry. They are smaller, therefore easier to store, usually coming in a standard sized case so when put on a shelf they don’t look as sloppy.

I have to say, however, that I miss the cartridge. Maybe it’s the memories connected to the games I played, maybe it’s the feel of a cartridge or the clunky sound it makes when you insert it. But I do miss them, and that’s one of the reasons I like vintage games.

I honestly don’t see why cartridges can’t make a comeback. A flash drive is about the size of your thumb and can hold 64 GB of data at a transfer rate of 150MB/s so something the size of a Sega Genesis cartridge could arguably hold four times as much, but lets face it, optical media is here to stay and will most likely be replaced with downloaded content, delivered right to your video game console. Sadly, the Cartridge is dead.

Game Review: Clue for Sega Genesis

Vintage Game Spot Review Rating: 55 out of 100

Clue for Sega Genesis was released in 1992 as a video game version to the board game bearing the same name. The video game is centered around the basic premise of the board game, who did it? Was it Prof. Plum in the kitchen with the candlestick or Col. Mustard in the library with the rope? Play and find out!

Paul’s Review: 60 out of 100

I didn’t really care much for this game. I don’t like it when they turn board games into video games, just like I don’t like it when they remake games or movies. They just never live up to your expectations. But Aaron likes Clue and I figured we could review it together, plus it was free since I traded it for a defective game that was under warranty.

The gameplay was just as if you were playing Clue on the board game, which has the negative effect of being to much like a board game and the positive effect of offering up some nostalgia. Also your “secret” cards could be seen by everyone as you checked them. If you’re a Clue fan I would say get this game if you can find it nice and cheap, if only for the memories of intrinsic value. But as for me, if I wanted to play Clue, I would play the board game.

Aaron’s Review: 50 out of 100

When we found the game I was excited because I love the board game and the movie but I was a little disappointed with the video game. It was to easy for the other players to see your cards and it doesn’t have the handy little slips of paper that come with the game to check off.  And it was to hard to figure out the clues when you would interrogate someone. The graphics were alright considering it was from 1992, and it was a bit nostalgic seeing the old school board from the original board game. I’m going to play it again but I’m not in any rush to do so. 

NOTE: I have to give credit where credit is due: The video above is not me. It was made by linkeffect82 and published to YouTube.

Game Review: 688 Attack Sub for Sega Genesis

Vintage Game Spot Review Rating: 50 out of 100

688 Attack Sub came out in 1991, based on the DOS computer game of the same name. It is a real time simulator game where you are the commander of the USS Los Angeles, an attack sub operating in the North Atlantic You work your way through various missions destroying the enemy and evading persuit.

Paul’s Review: 50 out of 100

This game is definitely not for those without a great deal of patience. Everything happens in real time, or close to it, so a mission can actually take quite a long time. There is no music and very little action. The only voice that talks to you is sometimes hard to understand. Even for a game made in 1991, they could have done better. You get more action out of watching phlegm dry on a hot sidewalk.

That being said, if you like simulation games, you might like this one. Even though I found a number of negatives about it, I still couldn’t stop playing it. I have made it about two thirds through the entire game and plan to finish… then I never plan to play it again.

The gameplay is difficult to pick up on. If you get a chance to buy this, I wouldn’t do so unless it came with the instruction manual. The manual is very detailed and gives you a layout of everything to do in the game.

In short, if you looking for an action packed game full of explosions and blood and guts, look elsewhere. If your looking to try something challenging and don’t mind taking quite a while to complete each mission, try it out.

I didn’t have any of the other roommates help with this review because this doesn’t seem like their kind of game and they would have probably been bored to tears.

Flea Market Gold: The $20 Game Collection

As mentioned before, I find a lot of my vintage games from unconventional places. This is mostly because places like Walmart, Target and GameStop don’t carry games for Atari, NES, Genesis and SNES. Not that you can blame them. Those stores cater to the newest trends and can’t dedicate the space in their store for 30 year old games.

That being said, Saturday means one thing for me: The Super Flea in Cheektowaga, NY. It’s a large flea market with various stands both inside and out. Wedged between the head shops, junk stores and cologne shops are several shops with a glut of old video games. Everything from Colecovision to Xbox 360. There is one no-name stand that I particularly like, mainly because it has about 1000 NES games, most for less than 5 bucks, plus stacks of SNES, Sega Genesis and Playstation games also at about the lowest price around. They also sell vintage systems (I bought my original NES here.) Behind the stand they have the “less popular” things like Atari games at $1-$2 each. Another great thing is they give a 2 week warranty on everything they sell. That might not sound like a lot, but if your 25 year old game doesn’t fail in 2 weeks, you will have gotten your moneys worth!

Today I returned a defective copy of Super Mario Brothers 2 (the first game I have ever had to take back to that stand) and was given more then I paid as a trade. I think I paid $10 and he gave me $15 in trade. That plus $15 of my own allowed me to acquire Friday the 13^th, Airwolf, Iron Tank and Back to the Future all for NES as well as 688 Attack Sub, Clue, and Young Indiana Jones for Genesis.

On my way back to the truck I spotted some games and game systems at a small stand so I stopped to take a peak. I negotiated for a few minutes and was able to get Galaga and Super Mario Brothers 2 for NES in their sleeves, Primal Rage for Genesis plus an original Genesis remote all for $5!

But wait! There’s more! There was another stand outside that sold various junk and I was about to pass it by when my eyes landed on the familiar ATARI logo on a box. They had 4 game boxes, sadly all but one were empty! So I picked up Vanguard for Atari 2600 for $2. He was about to just throw away the empty Yars’ Revenge box when I asked if I could have it, I already had the game but thought the box would make a nice addition. When I got home I found the original manual and a Yars Revenge comic in the box!

So for $20, plus a defective game, I was able to get 11 games, a Genesis remote, a vintage game box with instruction manual and a mini-comic book! Try to beat that!

I also secured a deal to trade my Nintendo NES (I don't use it now that I have the RetroN 3) for 20 Atari 2600 games next week! I write an update then to let everyone know what I got! I KNOW I CAN'T WAIT!

So my advice for the fledgling vintage gamer, or for the old pro looking to expand his collection: Be creative. Try flea markets, garage sales, thrift stores, etc. It beats paying for shipping from eBay and you get a little bigger thrill out of finding what you want yourself rather than typing it into a search engine.

Game System Review: Hyperkin RetroN 3

Paul’s Game Review Rating: 80 out of 100

Ok, today I am going to talk about something that is pretty cool. Imagine a world where one gaming console can play games from three different platforms! Well that is what the RetroN 3 does. It has slots for Nintendo NES, Super Nintendo and Sega Genesis.

When I first saw this I thought “oh great, another cheap Chinese made POS that will work occasionally for some games.” Imagine my surprise when I hooked it up and it played everything I put in it!  I didn’t even have to blow on a single cartridge! Those of you with an original NES know what I am talking about.

The console itself is fairly attractive and available in either red or black. I went with red because it seems a little cooler and more unique than another black box by my TV. Once you insert the cartridge, select the system you want to play (NES, SNES or Genesis) and hit the power button you are good to go. I haven’t had to use the reset button, blow in cartridges, pull out cartridges and reinsert them or anything. It also seems to load the games a lot faster than the original consoles.

The graphics look just like the original systems, but I did notice that when I played Super Mario Brothers the sound seemed a bit different than on NES. Not enough to really distract much but it was slightly noticeable. On the plus side, that’s the only game I noticed any difference at all. I really didn’t like the included wireless controllers BUT the system has built in ports to plug in 2 NES controllers, 2 SNES controllers and 2 Sega Genesis controllers! I picked up my controllers at a flea market for a couple bucks each.

Here is a list of games that I tested on the RetroN 3:

NES: Wild Gunman, Duck Hunt, Super Mario Brothers 1 and 3, Spy Hunter

SNES: Super Mario World

Genesis: Mortal Combat, Sonic the Hedgehog

Pros: Price! It’s only $50 and includes 2 wireless remotes, AV and S-video cables and a power cable; 2 plug ins each for the original controllers (not included but you can buy them fairly cheap on eBay or at swap meets.); Works with the Nintendo Zapper gun; AV and S-Video output; compact and easy to hook up, quick and easy start-up; replaces 3 consoles which means it also replaces 3 power cords, 3 AV slots on your TV and 3 spaces on your entertainment center.

Cons: No instruction manual; sound is a little different; the Sega cartridge goes in the middle, between the larger NES and SNES cartridges making it slightly hard to remove unless you remove the others first; very lightweight which gives of the impression that its cheaply made; no coax output; the included controllers SUCK! There is actually a diagram on the back of them that tells you what buttons do what on which system, which doesn’t correspond to the original consoles at all. I recommend plugging in the vintage controllers from the old systems, which work perfectly.

In short: Buy it, you won’t be disappointed.

A Sticky Situation

Ok here is a little bit of a rant. As most of you know by now, I am in to classic games. My games come from various sources, Flea Markets, Thrift Stores, Oogie Games, GameStop, Garage Sales, etc. And guess what? No matter where I go to buy used games they are plastered with stickers!

I can’t tell you how much I hate this. I realize that companies, flea market stands and garage sellers have to put prices on their merchandise but why do they have to plop a huge price tag and barcode right over the original game label?! When you get a new (to you) Atari game it is sort of nostalgic to see “Property of David M” written in magic marker on the back of it, because you probably did the same with your games when they were new. What is annoying is a huge sticker advertising “GAMES AT LOW LOW PRICES! HIGHEST $$$ FOR YOUR TRADE INS!” plastered over the original label of Yar’s Revenge or Pac Man. The worst company for this is GameStop. Have you ever tried to remove one of those GameStop stickers from the front of an Xbox case? Your better off just buying a new case, or living with the annoying sticker.

What’s even worse are those small time sellers who feel a need to write “$1.50” on the front of the game with a sharpie!!! At least with a sticker you stand a small chance of removing the blemish without completely destroying the cartridge.

So here is a piece of advice (more like a desperate plea) to sellers of old video game cartridges: DON’T WRITE ON THEM! DON’T PUT STICKERS OVER THE GRAPHICS ON THE CARTRIDGE! If you turn them over, you will notice there is a vast expanse of space on the back to plaster labels and stickers and price tags on without ruining the classic artwork on the front. Its also easier for those of us who don’t like this stickers to simply peal them off. Also think about using some of those easy-to-remove stickers so we can remove all your corporate branding without that annoying glue left behind.

Just a quick update: As many of you have noticed, my blog has had fewer rants and raves and more fun stuff on it lately. That’s because I have decided to change the direction of the blog. Due to my new found interest in classic gaming I have decided to write about them. There will occasionally be other subjects of interest to me so stay tuned to see what I come up with!

Quit Playin Games With My Heart!

Ok, so if you haven’t guessed by now, I am big on rants and raves but today I am going to change pace a little bit and tell you about something I recently discovered, or rather rediscovered: THE MOST AWESOME VIDEO GAMES IN THE WORLD!

No, I am not talking about the new Xbox, the fancy Playstation 3 or the upcoming Wii U.  I am referring to the classics of my childhood and before. Back in the day when you had to use your imagination and didn’t have to follow a lame story line to kill the bad guys.

About a month back I was wondering through the flea market in Cheektowaga and came across a booth that sold the original Nintendo Entertainment system. Now anyone who knows me knows that I am a horrible impulse buyer so what did I do? I bought one of course. And 1 hour and $25 later I was happy as a clam sitting in front of my old (and until recently unused) tube TV controlling Mario as he battles against all manner of 8-bit demons.

It brought back so many good memories I had to go farther. After doing some shopping around at the flea market, craigslist and a few choice local retailers (I’ll get to those in a bit) I was able to acquire a quite impressive starter collection of my favorite childhood games. And the best part? I paid almost nothing for anything! By trading off some old overplayed games and accessories I simply never use and cashing in my change jar I was able to create a utopian oasis of 80’s and 90’s video game technology. Let me give you a mini-tour through my collection:

The starting of my new obsession: a Nintendo NES console, possibly the best gaming system every made. I picked this up about a month ago at a rather unorganized stand at the local flea market that specializes in video games of all types. For $25 I was able to pick up the console, all the cables, 2 controllers and the all time greatest video game cartridge: Super Mario Brothers and Duck Hunt! All in working condition with a 2-week warranty. That might not sound like a good warranty, but come on! We are talking about a 30 year old electronic device marketed to children. To this I quickly added the Zapper gun, another $3 purchase and worth every dime. The system is as temperamental as I remember from childhood and I don’t care what people say, blowing in the cartridge does help it work better. I quickly expanded my collection of NES games by trading 1 Wii game for Wild Gunmen, The Legend of Zelda (IN THE ORIGINAL BOX!), Spy Hunter and Mario Brothers 2 and 3. Playing ANY of these brings back a flood of memories for me!

Playing my new very old NES made me think: What other childhood video games could I get for practically nothing? I did some research and decided to pick up something called a Hyperkin RetroN 3. This unit (almost) flawlessly plays NES, Super Nintendo and Sega Genesis games. Best of all you can pick one up for $50, or in my case a trade of 4 video games I never play anymore!

A few more trades and I picked up Sonic the Hedgehog and Mortal Combat for Sega Genesis, Super Mario World for SNES and a few controllers. After cashing in my change jar I also picked up an Atari 2600 with 20 games including Yar’s Revenge, Pac Man, Asteroids, Combat, Space Invaders and the notorious E.T. The Extra Terrestrial.

Now any time I have a few extra minutes I can sit down with a YooHoo and some pizza pockets and relive my childhood. I think total I spent about $40 of my own money for an entire set up and now have the coolest vintage gaming package ever!

Another plus, since I haven’t got many games yet, if I get bored I can run down to my local Oogie Games store and pick up a new game for a super low price. That’s not shameless advertising, they are REALLY cheap. They have Atari games for a buck! NES games for under 5 bucks, same with SNES and Playstation. Next up I want to pick up an original Playstation ($14 at Oogie) and a copy of Soviet Strike for Playstation (its one of their $1 games if I can find it.)

Now for my critique of my purchases: Everything was GREAT!  Almost. Mario Brothers 2 for NES is to worn and won’t play but its under warranty so back to the flea market it goes. I do have some gripes about the RetroN 3. For one, the sound is slightly off, not enough to distract or even notice much but you can tell on some games. Also the remotes SUCK! You actually have to decipher a map to tell what buttons do what on which platform. ANNOYING! But there is an up side to this. The RetroN 3 has controller ports for ALL THREE PLATFORMS! Allowing you to plug in the original controls, which you can buy second hand pretty cheap. It also allows you to use accessories such as the Nintendo Zapper gun.

If you want to relive your childhood, introduce your kids to the games of your generation, or introduce yourself to something new and different on a small budget here are some helpful hints:

1. Do your research. You can find some awesome deals out there if you know how much to pay. Some people will sell you their Atari or Nintendo for next to nothing just to get rid of it. Others think their near-antique system is a collectors item worthy of a king’s ransom.

2. Check out reviews. ESPECIALLY if you plan to get a retro system similar to the RetroN 3. There are several platforms out there of various quality. You don’t have to spend a lot to get a good one. I really do recommend the RetroN 3, but you can look around and decide for yourself.

3. Check out your local video game stores, and I DON’T mean gamestop. Gamestop is well and good, but they aren’t going to have the true classic 8-bit or 16-bit systems. If you live around Buffalo, NY I really recommend taking a look at Oogie Games. I believe they have about 4 locations. Their staff is GREAT and their selection of vintage games and platforms is top notch. If you look around your city you can probably find a great source for vintage systems near you.

4. Can’t find anywhere around that sales anything you want? Try online sources like ebay.com, nintendosforsale.com, craigslist, amazon.com, etc. JUST BE CAREFUL! Sometimes (especially with games) you can end up spending more on shipping than the games. A good way to get games on ebay is to buy in bulk lots. In the long run you will end up with some multiple copies of the same game but you can always trade them away for things you don’t have.

5. NINTENDO ZAPPER GUN WILL NOT WORK ON PLASMA SCREENS! Don’t know why, it just won’t. Save yourself the headache and just use an old standard TV. Also, Sega Genesis controllers will work on the Atari!

7. (and most important) You can still buy YooHoo at Wal Mart and Tab is also still available but its hard to come by. For those who like Hydrox cookies with their Atari game night, Your SOL. Hydrox haven’t been made since 2008. I personally prefer beef jerky and Mr. Pibb or YooHoo!

GREAT Sources of help

Classic Game Room is a guy on YouTube that reviews almost everything to do with classic games. He has some great helpful hints and ideas. Here is a link to his YouTube profile: http://www.youtube.com/show/classicgameroom?s=7

Oogie Games, Buffalo’s locally owned video game source! They have everything the big chains don’t have! You can usually find a good selection of Atari 2600 and 7800 games and a GREAT selection of NES, SNES, Sega Genesis, Sega Master System, Xbox and Playstation games. They also have all the old systems! If its traded in, they will make sure it works and sell it. They also offer a 30 day warranty on EVERYTHING. Add the fact that they give you more for your trade-ins than GameStop and have lower prices and you have a winning combination! http://www.oogiegames.com/

ATF: Alcohol, Tobacco and Food!

Ok, here goes yet another rant.  As I sit here drinking my Pepsi Next, and smoking a fine Native American cigarette from our local Seneca tribe, it occurred to me how hypocritical the Surgeon General is.

            If you’re a smoker, like I am, you are no doubt aware of the Surgeon General’s warning on the side of a pack of cigarettes warning you of the dangers of smoking, using chewing tobacco, snuff, and a number of other tobacco products. These warnings vary their message but basically tell you that by using tobacco you are signing your death warrant.

First off, I think everyone alive with at least a 2^nd grade education knows that tobacco is not good for you. Why must I be reminded of it every time I pick up a pack of cigarettes? And if something is such a horrible menace to society, why not just make it illegal? Oh that’s right, because every time the government needs more money, they just raise taxes on tobacco. They can’t make it illegal because then they will have killed the golden goose.  Of course they say that money goes to offset the cost of medical bills for smokers, but if so, how do I apply for this free medical insurance that I pay for whenever I buy cigarettes? Oh I can’t? How convenient.

Now they are thinking of putting pictures of diseased lungs on packs of cigarettes. They constantly have commercials on TV with people breathing through stomas and dying of lung cancer and kids with asthma inhalers and blah blah blah. Its just annoying.

And how about the warning on the side of liquor bottles that informs you that alcohol is bad for you and your unborn child? Is there anyone in the world who doesn’t know that alcohol is bad for you?

Now to the point of my rant: Heart disease and obesity related illness take more lives than cigarette smoking, yet there are no pictures of diseased fatty hearts and clogged arteries on the side of McDonald’s french-fry containers? There are no commercials showing morbidly obese people being hauled away on stretchers. No Surgeon General’s warnings on Double Whopper wrappers?

Logging on to the Surgeon General’s website I found FOUR anti-tobacco related items just on the homepage! NOTHING on obesity and only 1 item on “A Healthy & Fit Nation.”

Instead of going after the “evil” tobacco companies (who admit their product is unsafe) the government should look into putting some regulations on fast food giants who sell a “value meal” as something you should eat when they know full well their customers are consuming more calories in one meal than the average person should consume in a day and a half!

Currently in New York a pack of cigarettes costs about $10. With that you can buy 10 double cheeseburgers at one of the fine nationwide fast food chains, which would add up to about 4,400 calories or 2 medium Big Mac value meals at about 2,000 calories and don't get me started on the fat. Heart disease and adult onset diabetes, now THAT’S what I call a value!

The New Cola Wars

So yesterday I tried a Pepsi Next. Not bad at all. If you haven’t tried it, imagine a clean and crisp Pepsi that isn’t as heavy on the tongue. I am a coke person and really don’t care much for Pepsi but this was pretty good. I have had 3 of them now.

The gimmick of this new creation from the soda gods is “Real Cola Taste, 60% less sugar.” But it got me to thinking, how do you keep the taste but ditch the sugar? This is made especially complex by the fact that Pepsi hasn’t had REAL sugar in it since the 1980’s. So when they say 60% less sugar aren’t they being a bit disingenuous? OH WAIT they are probably talking about our good old friend High Fructose Corn Syrup! Yes that’s right, High Fructose Corn Syrup, that sneaky bastard that has been blamed for everything from childhood obesity to the kidnapping of the Lindbergh baby. And why do big soda manufacturers like Coke and Pepsi use HFCS instead of sugar, which is slightly healthier and has been preferred in taste tests?

If you guessed “Because they are greedy bastards and HFCS costs less” then give yourself a big pat on the back. HFCS costs between a half and a third of what real sugar does, mainly because of the HUGE subsidies the government doles out to US corn farmers, so since its taken out of your taxes, it evens out. 

Want to taste what Coca Cola would taste like with real, natural, not grown on a cornstalk sugar? Go down the “International” aisle in your supermarket. Look in the Mexican section beside the pinto beans and taco seasonings and you’ll see large glass bottles of Coke. The only difference between that and American Coke is it is made with SUGAR. And trust me, it tastes better. Pepsi, acting as if it is doing us a favor, has introduced Pepsi Throwback, which is made with real sugar, but rumor has it that Pepsi Throwback will be disappearing from shelves in June, leaving us with good old cheap High Fructose Corn Syrup.

ANYWAY, back to Pepsi Next. If you are thinking it is healthier for you than regular Pepsi, think again. Sure it has 150 fewer calories (per 20oz bottle) than regular Pepsi but here’s the kicker: Pepsi is only sweetened with High Fructose Corn Syrup. Pepsi Next is sweetened with High Fructose Corn Syrup (yup, there it is again), Aspertame, Sucralose, and Acesulfame Potassium. It has more chemicals in it than a South Bronx prostitute at a methadone clinic.

These days, more people are concerned about their waistlines and what they put into their body, so why buy a soda with more chemicals in it than gasoline? Because its super cheap and it tastes good. I just wish there was a little more truth in advertising.

If I was running a soda company (preferably Coca-Cola, I like it better) I would at least tell the people what they are getting. Here would be some of my brands and slogans:

Paul Cola: Sure its mostly corn syrup but at least its tasty!

Diet Paul: Lose weight while giving yourself cancer

Paul MAX: Taste the artificial goodness

Paul Next: water is the only ingredient not created in a test tube

Paul Throwback: Real ingredients, real taste, really limited time product because its expensive to make and we know once we pull it from the shelves, you’ll buy our fake inferior crap.

That’s pretty much the end of my rant. And to not seem like a hypocrite, I am going to level with you. I think Pepsi Next is pretty tasty. It has a cleaner flavor than Pepsi or Coke and the fact that it is something new is sort of fun. I usually drink Coke Zero or Mountain Dew and don’t go out of my way to find a healthier alternative. If I was at the gas station and they had a nice tasting soda that was made with natural ingredients (some local brands do, and I like them) I would buy them first. If Coke or Pepsi comes out with something more natural, I would buy it instead of the fake stuff. But it is what it is and as long as farmers and scientists keep working hand in hand, we will be left with inferior products.

The Cost of Air

Ok here is something that really got under my skin today: 
The weather is starting to warm up and my roommate wanted to know if he could borrow my bike to ride to work tomorrow. Thats fine, no problem. I wasn't using it anyway. He got it out and discovered the tires had gone flat over the winter and the air pump I had bought was missing. No major setback though. I figured we would just run down to the gas station and the attendant would fill it up for me like when i was a little kid. I did, however, forget it was Easter Sunday and the garage was closed. So I figured Worst comes to worst, I would sacrifice a quarter for one of those air machines at the convenience store. NO DICE. They are no longer 25 cents. They aren't even 50 cents or 75 cents but a FULL DOLLAR!

What ever happened to the days when you drove up to a gas station and 5 uniformed guys hustled out to checked and topped off your fluids, topped off your air, washed your windows and filled up your tank? Now I am only 29 so I never actually remember this happening but have seen it on TV enough to know that SERVICE STATIONS ARE DEAD. Some people may still call them Service Stations, but honestly, what service do you get? you pump your own gas, you wash your own windows (IF they even have squeegees and water that is not totally filthy), and honestly, how many of you check your fluids every time you gas up?

My last experience at a gas station started by waiting in line for a fuel pump to open up, then getting out of the car and running in to pre-pay (yup they trust their customers THAT much) the minimum wage cashier who doesn't even speak English as a 3rd language. Then I stand there while my hand falls asleep holding the fuel nozzle open (I live in New York and for some reason we don't have those little metal things on the pump that hold the handle in the open position for you.) So 8 minutes later, after watching the gas pump roll past the $100 mark i FINALLY get to put the one 21st century one armed bandit back in it's place. I try to clean some trash out of my car, but the only trashcan in the fuel bay looks like it had been overflowing for a solid week, so thats out. Then I decide to wash the bug goop off my window so I grab for the squeegee and guess what? The bucket is completely devoid of water, just a pasty muddy goop. So I jump back in my vehicle and drive away.

Maybe gas companies wouldn't be seen as second only to Satan in their greed if they still provided at least some semblance of service to their customers instead of turning us up upside down and shaking all the money out of our pockets just so we can move on down the road.

So if any executives from Sunoco, ExxonMobil, Shell, BP, Valero or any of the others are reading this, we are not asking for lower gas prices, or a share of your profits. I am not advocating a strike or boycott. All I am asking is stop being so damn greedy and bring back some basics that many people miss, and most of all QUIT CHARGING FOR AIR!